Hey, y’all. I hope you’re enjoying crawfish season (my buddy with the secret outlet is back on his delightful BS, getting us some mini-lobsters), and enjoying offseason too. As I always promise on Instagram, no mock drafts from The Bayou Casuals. That is the worst way to try and make a deadline and farm what I call engRagement.

Personally, I’m hating offseason. Look – the Texans have the best secondary in the league with the fabulous addition of CJ Gardner-Johnson. Saints fans older than the age of 6 will recall how much he destroyed Tom Brady’s mental health in one game. But we also had so many opportunities to prevent getting our Primary CJ killed milliseconds after the snap – we had Mekhi Becton money – and we instead signed a bunch of z-stringers with slightly better stats than Kenyon Green.

At first glance, the Saints feel like they’re throwing eggs at the wall to see what will stick as Mickey Loomis pulls imaginary money out his butthole like a party clown with a string of handkerchiefs. Who Dat say dey gon beat dem Saints? Probably Wells Fargo at this point. We’re in a good position on paper, with an estimated $28.3 million in extra cap space (Saints fans will get a little chuckle out of that number) but will still end up $650 million over the cap next year with Carr at center until 2076.

To be fair, the Saints did pull off some decent under-the-radar signings, and at least one big one: Justin Reid. Reuniting him with Tyrann Mathieu has the potential for some fun you probably never saw if you missed them working together on the Texans. (Dear reader: this is why it’s rewarding to love two teams. When someone goes from one to the other, you don’t lose.)

Anyway, Saints got Reid and one of the best blocking tight ends in the league, Jack Stoll. Kellen Moore is putting pieces in place before we go into the draft with nine(!) picks that could be used for a 2017-style parade of talent. But we might not do that, because the guy I’m convinced is a Quentin Tarantino performance-art character is still managing the organization.

So, here we are, two non-rival teams from cities that are basically a bonded pair of orange kittens on the coast of the Gulf of the Americas. We are somehow both incapable of assembling an o line or figuring out who the hell our actual WR3 is. Our QBs are both gonna get killed this season, but one is very good and deserves a brick wall around the pocket, and the other probably deserves to be traded to the Titans for the first pick after sucking beyond the Week 2 nut grab and bailing on his city for Super Bowl weekend (not a good look DEREK).

I do not like mock drafts, because they are an obvious way to fabricate engRagement and fill time with crap and wild speculation until the draft. So, here’s my broad non-mock-draft plan for these teams:

• Texans, go trade up if you can and get you some Emeka Egbuka and literally anyone from the Ohio State or Texas o line. Those o lines are the only reason Will Howard and Quinn Ewers are in conversations. Stop telling yourself a 36-year-old with a 34.2 pass blocking grade and who’s on his third patella is going to keep CJ safe. Wait a minute… I just thought of this: is this blatant inattention to his first line of protection a demented way to try and turn him into a mobile quarterback? Because that didn’t work last season, guys. All you did was give a generational talent the yips.
• Saints, PLEASE do not try to draft another QB. Like I said about Cal McNair and his hypothetical new stadium, you don’t get a new one, because you already don’t play with the ones you have. And you’re still grounded for so many reasons. There are thousands of fans on social media actively looking for knockoff Saints gear so as not to give Gayle more money to help pedos. Anyway, shore up o line and draft someone like Jack Sawyer or the kid from That Team Up North to give Cam someone to train. We will not have Cam on the field forever.

I’ve noticed media outlets that “grade” teams on free agency moves have no idea what grade to give either the Saints or the Texans. First they were both in the B-/C+ range, and now they’re handing both teams Fs, possibly because they have no idea what these teams’ needs are and that many have been quietly filled with non-splashy names while others will (hopefully) be addressed in the draft.

That being said?

Saints: B. Not many “superstars” for newbies to yap about beyond Justin Reid and Brandin Cooks, but signings like Stoll and Dillon Radunz (still a solid run blocker and improved at pass blocking last season) were admirable moves. Mickey did WAY overpay Juwan Johnson and possibly Chase Young, but we already know he’s got a lead foot when he’s driving the money train. This would put the Saints at a C, but we once again get extra credit for ridiculous cap voodoo.

Texans: C+. We’re all very excited about this demonic defense. Derek Stingley and CJ Gardner-Johnson on the same team? So many Surface tablets will be thrown on the visitors’ sideline this year. Christian Kirk feels like he’s going to shine in our scheme – Stroud brings out the best in the WRs people think are “mid” or “washed.” He sent Nico into the stratosphere in ’23 and polished up Diggs so much both on and off the field that the Pats couldn’t wait to hand him that bag. But, Nick… why are you so historically bad at o line? I almost had a stroke when I saw that we were paying Tytus Howard almost as much as our top-5 WR1. And why have we almost exclusively signed project pieces with bad stats, injuries, or advanced age against them? We still need a third receiver. That receiver would ideally be Egbuka. But we’re not gonna get him if we’re spending pick 25 on o line because you sat there and signed a dude Vikings fans openly thanked us for taking off their hands. Take your C+ and go work on moving those picks around.

Up next:

• Give Alvin Kamara his flowers
• Cam Smith makes the ’25 Astros less depressing
• The Pelicans and Rockets both get what they’re looking for
• I did not expect these Houston Cougars

Talk soon,

Andy